December 11, 2023   3:31pm

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Okay, so everyone’s giving their two cents on the First Puppy. Here’s my personal advice to the First parents …Dea

Dear First Puppy Parents,

Realize this: No matter how much your kids are dying for a puppy now, they’ll probably “get over it” after the first few months. However, since you do want to reward them for your Presidency, you’re obviously thinking about: which puppy, how to assure the romance continues, and what are the global and political mine fields? That latter is particularly tricky, so we’ll start there.

Foreign Policy and Homeland perceptions.

Obviously, you now realize that your puppy selection has far more than personal implications. This is all about foreign policy and what the people at home perceive to be your true character (the lack-of-strength metro-male thing).

For example, if you get a Tibetan Terrier there’s a subtle indication to the Chinese that we still have concerns about Tibet … an Afghan sends a rather hairy message to the region about our staying power … the Israeli Canaan is found in Palestine, so mutual affection could bring those groups together … A Russian Wolfhound provides a friendly opening on those short-range missiles tbeing barked about … the Chihuahua  certainly communicates something about fences … hmmmm …

To avoid these complexities, I say just go for a miniature French Poodle (not too large; not too small) and be done with it. This breed is easy-to-train, sweet, doesn’t shed, is hypo-allergenic, loves people, and goes well with girls.  Maybe one way to get around the French part is to remind everyone that the Poodle is really a retriever — you know, hunting (guns), swimmer (athletic), quite macho, actually.

FYI: the frou-frou haircut originated so this breed could swim better to pick up those dead ducks fallen in the water.  However, if you stick with a nondescript puppy look and avoid the girl-y styling, maybe, just maybe, you can pull in those recalcitrant Southerners.  They may not even notice that your de-French-ified pooch is actually un-American.  And with your choice of a hunting dog, they may view you as “their President, too” — just as the French already do.

If you think this advice has been useful, check-in next week for more thoughts related to your girls and how they can build a strong relationship with their new charge(s).

With all best intentions from a fellow puppy lover,


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